I never learned to read a map
but I know how it feels to go south And I couldn't tell you how many miles to salvation but I've seen the moon in the north of the night and she's always there to light the way home Wherever home may be More often than not I find myself lost in thought in loss and I never learned to read a map but I always found my way home Wherever home may be Maybe it's an instinct we are born with a need for wandering My wings are weathered but young and it's been so long since I've stretched them in the sun Opened them around me like a fortress like armor so that they could carry me home Wherever home may be It fills me sometimes up to the brim and spills out of me my eyes my mouth my fingers this nonsense no sense of direction I am overwhelmed that I have never learned to read a map and losing sight that I have always always found my way home Wherever home may be Except now I am tired from a journey I have yet to begin Or maybe the trek to a new beginning is what has me fatigued The prospect of starting over without a map Which shouldn't matter because I never learned to read one and the moon and I have become quite close She knows just when to remind me with her Cheshire cat smile that I have always always found my way home Wherever home may be.
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Some things never change
like the smell of nostalgia in late afternoon Or the comfort I find in the hands of a clock tick, tick, ticking away the golden hour I feel my lips turn up in gratitude for the things that do change The past lives I've left to collect dust in the corners of my memory Labeled to remember but not to visit because pain is heavy and I fare much better in content - It was wholesome until it wasn't But my God did we have a good time burning it down in the process Drawn to each other and the flame the warmth the fire and frenzy of rebellion It felt like home. We felt like home. Tripping over empty bottles on cold winter nights and crashing through branches howling with laughter all the way down because we were invincible. Oh honey, this decade was a doozy, and while wiping the fog from the glass windows of my memory, it takes a minute to appreciate the clarity from the other side. You were a different person ten years ago, and you’ll be different still in another ten. There was darkness, a heavy, thick, and ruthless darkness that almost swallowed you whole. There was also light, so bright and inviting that you felt yourself levitating toward it. I want you to know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You’ll get lost, a lot - the labyrinth of life will test your patience, but you will always find your way home. You’ll graduate on the Dean’s List with forever friends and a commute to Manhattan that won’t last forever. You’ll question yourself and your decisions, and you should, because those little wings humming in your sternum, they’re real, and you’ll only breathe better when you set them free. Those boys you lend your heart to, don’t worry about them, they don’t know who they are yet, and that’s okay, because neither do you; let them keep you warm a little while. There will be little ones, a whole classroom of them, and they will show you the way to your next adventure. You’ll leave graduate school with a 4.0 and a Masters in Education, and yes, you’ll toss your cap on the bay and celebrate with family and friends that feel like family. There will be changes, big ones, and they’ll be hard. You’ll make friends with the night sky and Grandma’s front steps, and two hundred miles later, you’ll meet a new night sky - her stars are just as beautiful, I promise. Three years and three apartments after that you’ll be sitting at the dining room table you share with the man of your dreams, and you’ll be smiling at the whispers of years gone by. There will be loss, and there will be pain, but there will be joy, and so, so much love. You’ll stretch into your skin and love the way it feels to be comfortable with who you are, and for the moments you forget, you’ll have a partner to take your hand and kiss your forehead to remind you. Take pride in who you are and what it took to get you here, don’t heed your passions to forces out of your control, and laugh with your belly as often as you can. Ten years gone and ten years gained - I can’t wait to see what you do next.
I hadn't known remorse like that The kind laced with fear Leaving me paralyzed and terrified at my reflection because the shadows behind my eyes did not belong to me And they danced and mocked the rate at which my heart was beating knowing relishing that what was done was done and it was not only a name that I bore anymore but a curse that I swallowed one too many times until the numbness became reckless and the battles inside me fought their way out for all to see except me Because my eyes were too busy opening doors to shadows that never belonged to me. until now. You told me
to remember who you were That this me against the world mentality had to stop That your hand was only there to lift me up and the bruises I so tenderly traced were not your doing That my words were ruthless and sharp against your pride That you weren't sure how much more you could take before you confirmed that this was a real problem So I cried in your arms and atoned for my sins with the promise of a new tomorrow while biting my tongue that your predictions had been my suspicions the blood pooling in my mouth tasted like booze and the problem you feared was already at our door. Sweet girl,
with honey eyes and withering shoulders, you are not fallen. And I know that the abyss you crawl into to find solace from selfish love is swallowing you whole. But there is a light in the thickness - while smoldering, still beckoning, and it will breathe and thrive and live for you. In you. So count to seven and straighten your spine, there are battles to win, and hands to hold, smiles to share, and kisses to blow. My sweet, sweet girl, with honey eyes, you are not alone. I wouldn't call it falling,
I tiptoed gingerly cautious at first afraid of frigid temps but you took my hand and guided me down let me dip in my toes then stalk to my knees and wade to my waist before I realized I was fully submerged then afloat and in love. I wrap myself around you
like vines on a lattice and climb up your words slow and steady like the love we built from scratch Sometimes I strike
tiny droplets of venom dripping from my words and before I can retract you suffer the bite undeserving and unrelenting you forgive me But how many scars before the constellations on your chest become sheets of armor a fierce protection against my wild temper and your patience dwindles like the last of my innocence until all that is left are empty glances and a tolerance for pain They call me "Miss"
and "Mrs" They stretch their cheeks and hold their breath to call me by the name written first on my birth certificate They call me letters and adjectives They call me sister and mother They call me silly and smart They call me down the hallway and they call me in the night They call me when they're just about to give up on the fight They call me when they're sick when they're hurt and can't go on They call me in euphoria but it never lasts for long They call me for embrace or to push them to the edge They call me just to call me when it's convenient for them Some might turn their cheek or simply turn away but when my students call me it's my calling to stay. |
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